Heavy Heart

Today I carry a heavy heart. My grandfather has been ill for a couple of months. He was diagnosed with brain cancer (stage 4, inoperable), but had been doing well throughout his course of radiation. He did the treatments on an outpatient basis, going home to the farm on the weekends and staying with my uncle during the week. James, the kids, and I went to visit a couple of weeks ago. We had a great visit and I think he enjoyed meeting Jack and spending time with us all.

Well, late last night he fell and suffered a stroke. We don't know in what order those two events occurred. The ambulance took him to the local hospital where they did a CT scan and discovered bleeding on the brain. They don't know if that is from the radiation or the events of last night. He was taken by ambulance several hours to the university hospital where he had been undergoing treatment from the beginning. My grandmother (and their dog Chuy) followed this morning.

I don't know what this means for his immediate future. My mom said he is lucid and talking. I guess I am just scared. Papa has been the man in my life as long as I can remember. Even before my dad died, Papa was the man I had most interaction with. Papa danced the traditional father/daughter dance with me at my wedding. He has always seemed invincible, larger than life. A lot of that has to do with his personality, but also his vitality. He is in his 80's and only really went gray in the last decade or so and even then not completely. He has always been a hard working, loud, often grumpy, sometimes very tender man. On some level I think I believed he would always be around.

For now, we just wait. It is OK to be sad. God has a plan, and it is not up to us to guess what He has in store or predict/argue with His timing. He will heal my wounds and even now He is holding Papa close. I can only pray that Papa feels his heavenly father close and it gives him comfort.

Silly, I know, but it is how I feel right now.

I feel silly even writing this - Katherine hurt my feelings. I know I should not look to my preschooler for validation. In fact, I don't look to her for validation - I am blessed to know that God provides it free of charge.

Unfortunately, days like today just put me on edge emotionally. Nothing major, she is really a sweet kid. Just enough, unprovoked, intentional slight to make me take notice. The day began with her acting rudely to my brother who was in town for less than 24 hours and who absolutely adores her. Not only was I embarrassed by her actions, but I was offended for him (crazy, huh).

On the way to drop her off at school, she angrily informed me that she was going to tell her teacher what I had done that morning (I made a photocopy of one of her pieces of artwork, gasp, how could I?). She felt the need to tattle on me to her teacher - great.

On the way home from school, unprompted by anything I could discern she announced that she didn't want to cheer for my football team, she didn't like my football team, she only wanted to cheer for daddy's team. I am a big Georgia fan, but that shouldn't have bothered me as much as it did.

At dinner she was told that she had to sit up in her chair (from a reclined position with her head hanging off one side) and eat her food. She retorted that I had to make a better dinner. I know my culinary skills are not something to be coveted, but I do spend time and put effort into making meals for our family that I hope they will enjoy and that will be good for them.

Seriously, that was all it took to ruffle my feathers. What is wrong with me?! Writing it all down has put it into its proper perspective - none of this really should have bothered me. Hopefully I can think of this post an laugh the next time she says something like this that strikes me the wrong way. I wonder if it is a mother/daughter thing or if I will be as offended by things Jack says some day...

Little brother woes

Here is Katherine holding on to Princess Jack!
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Poor Little Brother

My son is beginning to experience what it means to have a big sister. I am sure there are good things (I will have to consult my own little brother) and even great things, but being dressed up by your big sister is probably not one of the highlights.

Poor Jack is, at this very moment, wearing a fluffy pink tutu that plays music when you move and his sister is dragging him around the house calling him Princess Jack. He is actually pretty darned cute, even with the pink hair clip that Katherine added to complete his ensemble.

I will have to post the photo I took with my phone. Apparently he didn't like it much - it lasted all of three minutes before he was practically tearing it off. Could be that he is just not used to costumes!

I remember putting make-up on my brother, painting his fingernails, doing his hair, etc. He was our favorite test subject! Of course, this was after I moved beyond dressing the poor cat in doll clothes. I am probably lucky I wasn't scratched!

Making a chair house

	I love that a favorite play place for the kids is under the kitchen table! In this picture they have moved every chair and bar stool to surround the table and are getting underneath to play. So cute!

Blessed by a stranger

I just had the nicest thing happen. First, let me explain why it made me so happy. James left for work before the sun was up this morning - quite an accomplishment since the sun rises before 6:30am. He had a lot of work to do and didn't get much done last night due to not feeling well, the kids having a rough bedtime, and me trying to get a few things done while he was home. That meant I took Katherine to school. Doesn't sound like much of an issue, but Katherine expected James to take her to school. She does not deal well with changes - no idea where she gets that :).

Additionally, I didn't sleep much last night. Jack was restless and I couldn't sleep so we were up and down until the wee hours, coming downstairs several times to give James a chance to sleep uninterrupted. Once we were all up Katherine informed me that although she woke up dry, she didn't feel like getting up to go to the bathroom so she wet her pull-up (and subsequently her pajamas) - fully awake, in bed, 10 feet from a toilet...fabulous. Of course we were running late so she had to eat her cereal (dry) in the car on the way to school.

I finally dropped her off, then decided to run through the Starbucks drive-thru because they have these new breakfast sandwiches that are yummy. That and a venti chai - $7 I really don't need to spend right now, but I went anyway. So, I order and make it up to the window to pay only to be told by the cashier that the woman in the car in front of me had paid for my order! She told him that someone had done it for her before so she was doing it for me. How nice is that!?

I am now on the lookout for ways to pay it forward. I would prefer to do it for someone who looks like they really need it, but in these times how can you tell who really needs it? Not everyone stands by a street corner holding a sign, asking for help.

I usually try to give food to people I see holding signs at intersections - since I do that anyway, what else can I do? Ideas?

Nuzzle Love

Warning: if you are put out by discussing breastfeeding you may want to skip this post.

For the rest of you, let me share how sweet my nursing relationship is with Jack right now. He is such a sweet little guy. He still nurses to sleep for naps and bed most of the time. He is so active that he is getting tougher to settle down, but when he is getting sleepy he loves to snuggle. Recently I have noticed that he sort of nuzzles my breast, lazily searching for a good latch. It is such an intimate gesture.

Katherine has gotten more snuggly lately too. She is finally asking to cuddle with me again - not just Daddy. With no nursing to keep us physically close and a little brother often attached, we haven't connected that way often enough. Jack is a lot more independent now so my arms and lap are free more often and Katherine and I have taken advantage of that. She curls up in my lap and her head fits perfectly under my chin, where she nuzzles my neck as she settles in. I truly missed that closeness with her.

It is nice to know that, at least for now, even as they grow they still want to cuddle with mama.