Guilty

I feel like the last couple of weeks have been spent in complete limbo. I am now 38 weeks pregnant. I have passed the point at which Katherine was born (37 weeks 2 days), but not yet reached the point at which Jack was born (38 weeks 4 days). I feel huge although I know it could be worse. I am tired, uncomfortable, grumpy, and emotional. I am accomplishing less and less around the house as a result of how I feel and relying more and more on James to pick up the slack. All of this makes me feel guilty and selfish. I can't imagine feeling this way and having to get the family ready and go to a full-time job outside the home every day. I can't imagine doing this without the support of my husband (I get even more emotional thinking of the women whose husbands are overseas serving our military while they are at home doing this somewhat alone). I can't even remotely imagine how women work on farms or in other jobs involving intense physical labor.

I feel like I should be able to do it all, but all I want to do is take a nap or a shower or hide from the world and do nothing. I wish I had more patience and stamina to get on the floor and play or do activities with the kids. I wish I had the brain power and physical ability to keep on top of household things like cleaning, cooking, laundry, etc. I wish I had the emotional reserve to support my husband completely in his interests and activities. I wish I had the focus to be the kind of friend I want to be. Right now I just don't. I can only pray that God and the people who are important to me find it in themselves to extend grace in the face of my inadequacies and love be in spite of the burdens I place upon them.

To my children: I am sorry for my short fuse, less hands-on playtime, and so much tv time (although I don't think you guys would complain about that). To my wonderful husband: thank you for adjusting your expectations of me and picking up the slack where you can. To my family and friends: thank you for not judging my less than clean house, my poor communication, or my MIA status. Most of all, God - thank you for loving me no matter what and making the ultimate sacrifice for us all so that we are forgiven.

Something you never WANT to think about

This link is to an excellent post on introducing fire safety to toddlers and preschoolers. http://codenamemama.com/2010/06/03/fire-drills/ 

House fires are never something you want to think of, but I imagine this subject to be one of the most important you address with your kids.

We have been dangerously lax in this area of education. I plan to remedy that as soon as possible. Plus, the kids would totally get a kick out of touring a fire station!

Bittersweet Celebration

Today we celebrate mothers. We call or see our moms, grandmothers, mothers in law and mother figures. It is a good day. It can be a celebration tinged with pain as well.

Today I revel in the hugs and kisses of my beautiful children, eagerly anticipate the addition of another, and mourn for what will never be this side of heaven.

To all of the women who have mothered me (Mom, Grama, Mom Kanary, Mara, Faye, Pat, Debbie): thank you for your love and counsel. To the women who have accompanied me on this journey from the beginning (Jen, Lisa, Ashlei, Ellen, Trish): I am blessed to have you in my life. To all those in my life with mother's hearts: I honor you for what you give to others.

So, celebrate the mothers in your life today and every day.

School Pictures

Wow, school pictures sure have improved since I was in school! I did not expect to purchase more than the obligatory class picture for scrapbooking purposes, but these are actually pretty good.

I can't believe how grown up Katherine looks. I swear I am going to turn around and she is going to be posing for senior portraits!

Surviving

This morning, as I look out at the beautiful, sunny day the Lord has given us, I am reflecting on the mode my life has been in lately (ok, more than just lately...). I have set aside any attempt at thriving for the bare necessity of surviving. This sounds melodramatic, especially considering I lead an extremely blessed life. But, this has been the posture of my heart - one bent on survival. I think my time captured in survival mode has made the gradual resurfacing of spring seem so much more dramatic.

Several times this weekend I was struck by how great life is, how beautiful the world is, and thus how awesome God is. On Saturday morning we met with our accountant to sign our tax documents - fun stuff. Fortunately, despite owing state taxes in three states (gotta love moving), we came out above water.

With those figures in mind we stopped by Target to "look" at bikes and a bike trailer. ***aside: I don't recommend visiting Target, or any place that calls to you, after calculating your tax refund*** Of course, "looking" turned into buying and we left over an hour later with two shiny new bikes, a bike trailer for hauling the kids, helmets, etc. In our defense, we have been contemplating a similar purchase since we moved so close to some amazing bike trails almost a year ago. In essence, it was an impulse buy in timing only.

On our way home we stopped to get sandwiches from Jimmy John's - they have such quick service and awesome food! Katherine decided we needed to have a picnic outside so we got home, took our lunch out in the backyard, and ate at the picnic table under the playset. After we ate, the kids played together, slid, swung, helped James fill the bird feeder, just had a great time in the sun (with hats of course). Sitting there with James, watching the kids play and feeling the breeze, I was struck by how blessed we are. We are alive, we are together, we live in a free country thanks to the sacrifices of others, we own a beautiful home, James has a good job, we have health insurance, we are healthy, we know God and He made the ultimate sacrifice for us by sending Jesus to be our savior. How could we ask for anything else? How can I consider myself as just surviving when I have been blessed with so much?

Our first weekend with the bikes was amazing. I got the trailer put together, water bottle holders attached, helmets unpackaged, and the trailer hitched while James helped a neighbor put together the trampoline they bought their kids for Christmas (it has been a really long, cold winter in KS so they are just getting to put it up now). Fast forward another hour or so (during which I helped a tiny bit with the finishing touches on the trampoline, enjoyed a nice glass of sweet tea courtesy of our neighbor, hung out with said neighbors while the kids jumped, and put together water bottles and snacks for our inaugural ride.

After a quick trip around our cul-de-sac to reassure myself that I could, in fact, still ride a bike, we were off. Coasting down one of the streets in our neighborhood, with the wind cooling me off, I was once again struck by what a beautiful day we were having. Our family was outside, doing an activity together, and just enjoying being together! We rode to the trail entrance closes to our house, made our way a short distance down the trail and decided to stop off at a local bar & grill (Talk of the Town) to eat an early dinner on their patio. Aside from the smokers coming onto the patio for a nicotine fix, thus clouding our air, we had a truly enjoyable meal together. The kids were well-behaved, ate a good dinner, and we accomplished it without any screaming (by the kids or the parents)!

The ride back was nice because I was more confident on the bike, but more difficult because we were going against the wind and somewhat uphill. I hate to admit it, but I actually had to get off and walk my bike up one hill. All the while James rode on, pulling two kids in a trailer. Bless him, he stopped a couple of times to let me catch up and when a guy spreading mulch in the greenspace behind our neighborhood asked him how he ended up pulling all the weight (i.e. our two kids in the trailer), James pointed out that I am pregnant (which is suddenly all too evident, sigh...) as justification. I rallied, getting back on the bike for the last couple of blocks to our house.

We followed up that amazing Saturday with a fantastic message at Heartland (our pastor is truly amazing), a busy afternoon of cooking and cleaning, and a great dinner with friends. James even got to play hockey in there somewhere! (His team won their first round play-off game, round two is next Sunday) We all went to bed, happy and tired last night.

So, here is to hoping that my heart emerges from survival mode as beautifully as spring has come upon us. Jack and I are off to run some errands and enjoy the sunny day!

What a journey

It has been quite a while since I last posted - sometimes life just gets in the way. My last post was about my grandfather being ill. Unfortunately on Saturday, October 31st 2009 Donald Duane Hannaman left us and joined the Lord. My brother had been the only one of us who had not seen Papa since he was diagnosed. Thankfully, my mom flew him up that week to see Papa and spend some time with him. Lucas left the morning of the 31st (his birthday) to head back to Atlanta. Papa passed away a couple hours after Lucas left for the airport.

I don't think it was a coincidence that James' job recently brought us to live in Kansas City, a mere 6 hour drive from the farm, months before Papa became ill. We were able to drive up to spend some time with him before his illness really took a toll. Papa and Grandma met Jack for the first time and spent some great time with Katherine (picking strawberries in the garden, going on walks in the woods behind the house, coloring, etc.). God works in ways we don't always understand (who am I kidding, I rarely understand), but works to show us His amazing love for us.

We drove up to the farm again for the funeral. It is sad that nothing tends to bring families together like weddings and funerals. This was the first time that all of the cousins had been together in a decade. My cousins Brandon (and his lovely wife Marianna), Derek (unfortunately without Jodi and their two girls), and Daniel came up from Arizona with my uncle Rick and his wife Debbie. My mom had been at the farm helping out for a few weeks. My uncle Don and his wife Kathy came down from the Twin Cities (Grandma had been staying with them quite a bit while Papa was in and out of the hospital at the University). At the last minute we found a reasonable flight to get Lucas back up there for the funeral. It just wouldn't have been the same without him there.

At the funeral there were too many people to count - many of whom reminded me that they hadn't seen me since I was little. Papa's brother Gordy and his wife Gen were there along with two of their kids and some grandkids. It is amazing to see random family resemblances that are scattered through the generations. My mom's cousin's daughter Kiana looks a lot like me - so much so that several people took our picture together just to document it! Kind of funny how genetics works in an extended family. I guess that means I get quite a bit of my look from the Hannaman side of the family - though there is another random cousin on my grandmother's side that shares quite a few characteristics with me too.

If there is one blessing that came out of Papa's death it was that it gave the family an opportunity to get together and reconnect. I have now reconnected with several family members on Facebook (crazy, huh). The day after the funeral, when most of the family had gone home, a group of us hung out on the farm. It was great to just spend time together in shared family space, doing what many families (who aren't spread across the country or at least get together more frequently) do on a more regular basis. We drove a tractor around the property, practiced shooting, hit golf balls into a field, talked, worked on some of Papa's projects in the barn - just hung out. Jack and Katherine were the only little kids there so they got lots of attention. My mom and a couple of her cousins have started planning "grandma camp" for sometime next summer. They intend to have several of the cousins and their respective grandkids to the farm to hang out for a week or so. Giving the extended group a chance to get to know each other and spend time with their grandmas. That sounds like a blast!

We have had several other blessings come to us over the last few weeks. Our really great friends from Cincinnati, the Thomas family, came to visit us in KS. It was a wonderful visit. The kids had a blast (their daughter Mara and Katherine were best friends in Cincinnati - they are 6 months apart and their son is almost 6 months older than Jack). For James and I it was a rejuvenating visit. Spending time with such great friends when we don't have close friends out here in KS yet allows us to recharge our batteries. They are like family and we are ever thankful for their presence in our life.

We were not able to spend Thanksgiving with family, but had a great opportunity to spend the holiday with some of our new neighbors. The Frazier family invited us, and two other families over for a wonderful turkey dinner! It was nice to get to know them a little bit better and a blessing to have friends to spend the holiday with. Evidently a tradition here in Kansas City is to go to the Plaza shopping district to look at the holiday lights. This year we were invited by another set of neighbors, the Visomirski's, to have dinner at the Plaza and walk around to look at the lights. It was a nice time. Unfortunately they are soon moving out of the state, but we are thankful for their friendship for the time we have been here!

We are looking forward to spending Christmas and New Years with family in Tucson. That is assuming we make it through the 20 hour drive with two kids and a dog!

Heavy Heart

Today I carry a heavy heart. My grandfather has been ill for a couple of months. He was diagnosed with brain cancer (stage 4, inoperable), but had been doing well throughout his course of radiation. He did the treatments on an outpatient basis, going home to the farm on the weekends and staying with my uncle during the week. James, the kids, and I went to visit a couple of weeks ago. We had a great visit and I think he enjoyed meeting Jack and spending time with us all.

Well, late last night he fell and suffered a stroke. We don't know in what order those two events occurred. The ambulance took him to the local hospital where they did a CT scan and discovered bleeding on the brain. They don't know if that is from the radiation or the events of last night. He was taken by ambulance several hours to the university hospital where he had been undergoing treatment from the beginning. My grandmother (and their dog Chuy) followed this morning.

I don't know what this means for his immediate future. My mom said he is lucid and talking. I guess I am just scared. Papa has been the man in my life as long as I can remember. Even before my dad died, Papa was the man I had most interaction with. Papa danced the traditional father/daughter dance with me at my wedding. He has always seemed invincible, larger than life. A lot of that has to do with his personality, but also his vitality. He is in his 80's and only really went gray in the last decade or so and even then not completely. He has always been a hard working, loud, often grumpy, sometimes very tender man. On some level I think I believed he would always be around.

For now, we just wait. It is OK to be sad. God has a plan, and it is not up to us to guess what He has in store or predict/argue with His timing. He will heal my wounds and even now He is holding Papa close. I can only pray that Papa feels his heavenly father close and it gives him comfort.

One Crazy Summer

That is the title of a movie my little brother and I watched when we were kids. Thinking back, it was really a silly movie, but the title seems to aptly describe our summer this year! We can't seem to stay home for more than a week at a time.

We were gone for almost two weeks beginning mid-July, were home for a week, have been gone for the last week, will be home for two days, gone for another four days, home for almost a week, then finally gone for a few more days! Whew, what a whirlwind summer.

I am glad that any travel we are doing from this point forward will not involve one or the other of us working/volunteering. Being a solo parent for days on end in an unfamiliar place, possibly confined to a hotel room, is no fun at all! We both had our turn to experience that kind of fun.

I will post more photos over at the Kanary Nest, but here are a couple of photos from the road...
We ended up switching Jack to the Britax Marathon carseat between our trip to St. Louis/Kansas City and our trip to Memphis. We didn't really take the infant carseat out of the car much and we hope that the convertible one puts him in a slightly more comfortable position, minimizing the pressure on his tummy, thus reducing the impact on his reflux. He did seem less fussy when in the car for long periods of time the second trip.

Anniversary Thoughts

Today is my 6th wedding anniversary. Some days I can't believe it has gone so quickly. Other days I feel like we've been married forever (mostly this is a good thing). I don't know if it is due to my impending anniversary or just because I am expecting kiddo #2 any day now and becoming introspective, but I have been thinking a lot the last week or so about what qualities I find attractive in a man. I am blessed to have found an amazing mate (husband, father, partner, believer) in James.

One of the many things I find incredibly attractive in my husband is his belief in babywearing. For those of you not well-acquainted with the term, check out http://www.thebabywearer.com/. Anyway, seeing a man hanging out solo with his children is extremely heart-warming to me. But, to see a grown man with no qualms about wearing his child really touches me. Whatever the type of carrier, that image really gets me going. Not only is my beloved comfortable with the concept of babywearing, he actively participates. One of my favorite memories of K's first few weeks in this world is James in the front yard raking leaves with K strapped to his chest.

In my opinion, a man's willingness to wear his child speaks volumes about the type of father he is willing to be. A friend of ours recently said that he wasn't sure how manly he felt wearing a sling, but he didn't care. I tried to assure him that it was attractive (to at least some women) to wear your children, but he still wasn't convinced it was quite "manly." Oh well, it may not be the hallmark of masculinity, but it is one of the things I find most attractive in a man.
Another attraction to my husband (also associated with his dedication to his child(ren)) relates to the task he is spending our anniversary accomplishing. He has enlisted the help of a friend of ours to dedicate a portion of our front lawn to K (and all of the neighbor kids). Months ago we had a friend help us hang a swing from the large tree in our front yard. The swing was not only a huge hit with K, but also many of the neighbor kids so a path has been worn under the swing where we are no longer able to grow grass. Instead of making futile attempts to re-seed, sod, or some other expensive effort my wonderful husband has decided that it would make more sense to lay a bed of playground mulch under the swing and around the tree to accomodate a small slide. Now, this may not seem like a huge sacrifice to some. However, pre-parenthood, my husband was known for actually mowing patterns into our lawn.
How sexy is it to see a man who has embraced fatherhood so completely that he risks not looking manly to wear his children and gives his front lawn over to a mini-playground!? Extremely...

K playing kickball with the family

Playing in the sand at the beach, still not a fan of the waves though!

Whew...too much time on the road.

Wow, we have tried to cram an aweful lot of travel into a short couple of weeks. Amazingly, K did quite well with all of the time in the car. We can all recite the words to Finding Nemo from memory at this point and the car is in need of a serious bath, but we had a great time!

K learned to play kickball with cousins, aunts, uncles, great aunts/uncles, second cousins, etc. We had four generations together for a wonderful day Labor Day weekend. We met some distant relatives and the entire family was introduced to a newly-adopted little girl from China.

That short trip was followed by a 12-hour drive to the coast for a week of relaxation. K LOVED the sand, but wasn't a fan of the ocean. The waves coming in scared her a bit. We did have a breakthrough in the pool - she had a blast! It was a great trip and we got to spend some quality time together and with our friends.

A few days later we took off for a short trip to visit friends in St. Louis. Six more hours in the car each way, but it was definitely worth it! It was great to meet my friend's daughter and for her to meet K. Two years is way too long to go between visits to close friends!

Finally we're home for a few weeks! Sometimes I feel like I need a vacation after our vacations just to rest up. For now I think a nap will do...hopefully K will sleep well this afternoon!