Surviving

This morning, as I look out at the beautiful, sunny day the Lord has given us, I am reflecting on the mode my life has been in lately (ok, more than just lately...). I have set aside any attempt at thriving for the bare necessity of surviving. This sounds melodramatic, especially considering I lead an extremely blessed life. But, this has been the posture of my heart - one bent on survival. I think my time captured in survival mode has made the gradual resurfacing of spring seem so much more dramatic.

Several times this weekend I was struck by how great life is, how beautiful the world is, and thus how awesome God is. On Saturday morning we met with our accountant to sign our tax documents - fun stuff. Fortunately, despite owing state taxes in three states (gotta love moving), we came out above water.

With those figures in mind we stopped by Target to "look" at bikes and a bike trailer. ***aside: I don't recommend visiting Target, or any place that calls to you, after calculating your tax refund*** Of course, "looking" turned into buying and we left over an hour later with two shiny new bikes, a bike trailer for hauling the kids, helmets, etc. In our defense, we have been contemplating a similar purchase since we moved so close to some amazing bike trails almost a year ago. In essence, it was an impulse buy in timing only.

On our way home we stopped to get sandwiches from Jimmy John's - they have such quick service and awesome food! Katherine decided we needed to have a picnic outside so we got home, took our lunch out in the backyard, and ate at the picnic table under the playset. After we ate, the kids played together, slid, swung, helped James fill the bird feeder, just had a great time in the sun (with hats of course). Sitting there with James, watching the kids play and feeling the breeze, I was struck by how blessed we are. We are alive, we are together, we live in a free country thanks to the sacrifices of others, we own a beautiful home, James has a good job, we have health insurance, we are healthy, we know God and He made the ultimate sacrifice for us by sending Jesus to be our savior. How could we ask for anything else? How can I consider myself as just surviving when I have been blessed with so much?

Our first weekend with the bikes was amazing. I got the trailer put together, water bottle holders attached, helmets unpackaged, and the trailer hitched while James helped a neighbor put together the trampoline they bought their kids for Christmas (it has been a really long, cold winter in KS so they are just getting to put it up now). Fast forward another hour or so (during which I helped a tiny bit with the finishing touches on the trampoline, enjoyed a nice glass of sweet tea courtesy of our neighbor, hung out with said neighbors while the kids jumped, and put together water bottles and snacks for our inaugural ride.

After a quick trip around our cul-de-sac to reassure myself that I could, in fact, still ride a bike, we were off. Coasting down one of the streets in our neighborhood, with the wind cooling me off, I was once again struck by what a beautiful day we were having. Our family was outside, doing an activity together, and just enjoying being together! We rode to the trail entrance closes to our house, made our way a short distance down the trail and decided to stop off at a local bar & grill (Talk of the Town) to eat an early dinner on their patio. Aside from the smokers coming onto the patio for a nicotine fix, thus clouding our air, we had a truly enjoyable meal together. The kids were well-behaved, ate a good dinner, and we accomplished it without any screaming (by the kids or the parents)!

The ride back was nice because I was more confident on the bike, but more difficult because we were going against the wind and somewhat uphill. I hate to admit it, but I actually had to get off and walk my bike up one hill. All the while James rode on, pulling two kids in a trailer. Bless him, he stopped a couple of times to let me catch up and when a guy spreading mulch in the greenspace behind our neighborhood asked him how he ended up pulling all the weight (i.e. our two kids in the trailer), James pointed out that I am pregnant (which is suddenly all too evident, sigh...) as justification. I rallied, getting back on the bike for the last couple of blocks to our house.

We followed up that amazing Saturday with a fantastic message at Heartland (our pastor is truly amazing), a busy afternoon of cooking and cleaning, and a great dinner with friends. James even got to play hockey in there somewhere! (His team won their first round play-off game, round two is next Sunday) We all went to bed, happy and tired last night.

So, here is to hoping that my heart emerges from survival mode as beautifully as spring has come upon us. Jack and I are off to run some errands and enjoy the sunny day!

I should be sleeping...

...but instead I am eating sunflower seed cookies (yummy) and playing on my new phone.

I have been such an insomniac during this pregnancy so far, it is driving me crazy. I have to pee three or more times a night,  I wake up starving in the middle of the night, I get really thirsty (which does nothing to help with the potty trips), and my mind just will not slow down.

Unfortunately I NEED lots of sleep normally and even more while my body is working hard to grow a human being. All of this adds up to a tired and grumpy mommy/wife.

I would like to say this situation has given me an opportunity for introspection and self evaluation. However I have just developed an increasing addiction to audiobooks and apparently for my phone.

Ah well, this too shall pass and once the baby comes I will be praying for a few quiet moments to myself...and more sleep of course.

Little Whispers

I wonder what it is about the act of telling a secret that is so appealing? Is it the closeness created both physically through the act of leaning into someone and whispering and emotionally through sharing something not many people know?

This act appeals to even the youngest among us. Jack's new thing is to lean in close to me, put his mouth by my ear, and whisper nonsense. It is the cutest, creating some special moments just for us. He doesn't really say anything, but wanting that closeness makes it so special to me, my heart melts every time he does it.

I secretly hope that he always confides in me, even if it is just in whispered exchanges. My sweet little man, what a blessing!

Goofing Around!

This is what happens when having fun goes to your head!
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

What a journey

It has been quite a while since I last posted - sometimes life just gets in the way. My last post was about my grandfather being ill. Unfortunately on Saturday, October 31st 2009 Donald Duane Hannaman left us and joined the Lord. My brother had been the only one of us who had not seen Papa since he was diagnosed. Thankfully, my mom flew him up that week to see Papa and spend some time with him. Lucas left the morning of the 31st (his birthday) to head back to Atlanta. Papa passed away a couple hours after Lucas left for the airport.

I don't think it was a coincidence that James' job recently brought us to live in Kansas City, a mere 6 hour drive from the farm, months before Papa became ill. We were able to drive up to spend some time with him before his illness really took a toll. Papa and Grandma met Jack for the first time and spent some great time with Katherine (picking strawberries in the garden, going on walks in the woods behind the house, coloring, etc.). God works in ways we don't always understand (who am I kidding, I rarely understand), but works to show us His amazing love for us.

We drove up to the farm again for the funeral. It is sad that nothing tends to bring families together like weddings and funerals. This was the first time that all of the cousins had been together in a decade. My cousins Brandon (and his lovely wife Marianna), Derek (unfortunately without Jodi and their two girls), and Daniel came up from Arizona with my uncle Rick and his wife Debbie. My mom had been at the farm helping out for a few weeks. My uncle Don and his wife Kathy came down from the Twin Cities (Grandma had been staying with them quite a bit while Papa was in and out of the hospital at the University). At the last minute we found a reasonable flight to get Lucas back up there for the funeral. It just wouldn't have been the same without him there.

At the funeral there were too many people to count - many of whom reminded me that they hadn't seen me since I was little. Papa's brother Gordy and his wife Gen were there along with two of their kids and some grandkids. It is amazing to see random family resemblances that are scattered through the generations. My mom's cousin's daughter Kiana looks a lot like me - so much so that several people took our picture together just to document it! Kind of funny how genetics works in an extended family. I guess that means I get quite a bit of my look from the Hannaman side of the family - though there is another random cousin on my grandmother's side that shares quite a few characteristics with me too.

If there is one blessing that came out of Papa's death it was that it gave the family an opportunity to get together and reconnect. I have now reconnected with several family members on Facebook (crazy, huh). The day after the funeral, when most of the family had gone home, a group of us hung out on the farm. It was great to just spend time together in shared family space, doing what many families (who aren't spread across the country or at least get together more frequently) do on a more regular basis. We drove a tractor around the property, practiced shooting, hit golf balls into a field, talked, worked on some of Papa's projects in the barn - just hung out. Jack and Katherine were the only little kids there so they got lots of attention. My mom and a couple of her cousins have started planning "grandma camp" for sometime next summer. They intend to have several of the cousins and their respective grandkids to the farm to hang out for a week or so. Giving the extended group a chance to get to know each other and spend time with their grandmas. That sounds like a blast!

We have had several other blessings come to us over the last few weeks. Our really great friends from Cincinnati, the Thomas family, came to visit us in KS. It was a wonderful visit. The kids had a blast (their daughter Mara and Katherine were best friends in Cincinnati - they are 6 months apart and their son is almost 6 months older than Jack). For James and I it was a rejuvenating visit. Spending time with such great friends when we don't have close friends out here in KS yet allows us to recharge our batteries. They are like family and we are ever thankful for their presence in our life.

We were not able to spend Thanksgiving with family, but had a great opportunity to spend the holiday with some of our new neighbors. The Frazier family invited us, and two other families over for a wonderful turkey dinner! It was nice to get to know them a little bit better and a blessing to have friends to spend the holiday with. Evidently a tradition here in Kansas City is to go to the Plaza shopping district to look at the holiday lights. This year we were invited by another set of neighbors, the Visomirski's, to have dinner at the Plaza and walk around to look at the lights. It was a nice time. Unfortunately they are soon moving out of the state, but we are thankful for their friendship for the time we have been here!

We are looking forward to spending Christmas and New Years with family in Tucson. That is assuming we make it through the 20 hour drive with two kids and a dog!

Heavy Heart

Today I carry a heavy heart. My grandfather has been ill for a couple of months. He was diagnosed with brain cancer (stage 4, inoperable), but had been doing well throughout his course of radiation. He did the treatments on an outpatient basis, going home to the farm on the weekends and staying with my uncle during the week. James, the kids, and I went to visit a couple of weeks ago. We had a great visit and I think he enjoyed meeting Jack and spending time with us all.

Well, late last night he fell and suffered a stroke. We don't know in what order those two events occurred. The ambulance took him to the local hospital where they did a CT scan and discovered bleeding on the brain. They don't know if that is from the radiation or the events of last night. He was taken by ambulance several hours to the university hospital where he had been undergoing treatment from the beginning. My grandmother (and their dog Chuy) followed this morning.

I don't know what this means for his immediate future. My mom said he is lucid and talking. I guess I am just scared. Papa has been the man in my life as long as I can remember. Even before my dad died, Papa was the man I had most interaction with. Papa danced the traditional father/daughter dance with me at my wedding. He has always seemed invincible, larger than life. A lot of that has to do with his personality, but also his vitality. He is in his 80's and only really went gray in the last decade or so and even then not completely. He has always been a hard working, loud, often grumpy, sometimes very tender man. On some level I think I believed he would always be around.

For now, we just wait. It is OK to be sad. God has a plan, and it is not up to us to guess what He has in store or predict/argue with His timing. He will heal my wounds and even now He is holding Papa close. I can only pray that Papa feels his heavenly father close and it gives him comfort.

Silly, I know, but it is how I feel right now.

I feel silly even writing this - Katherine hurt my feelings. I know I should not look to my preschooler for validation. In fact, I don't look to her for validation - I am blessed to know that God provides it free of charge.

Unfortunately, days like today just put me on edge emotionally. Nothing major, she is really a sweet kid. Just enough, unprovoked, intentional slight to make me take notice. The day began with her acting rudely to my brother who was in town for less than 24 hours and who absolutely adores her. Not only was I embarrassed by her actions, but I was offended for him (crazy, huh).

On the way to drop her off at school, she angrily informed me that she was going to tell her teacher what I had done that morning (I made a photocopy of one of her pieces of artwork, gasp, how could I?). She felt the need to tattle on me to her teacher - great.

On the way home from school, unprompted by anything I could discern she announced that she didn't want to cheer for my football team, she didn't like my football team, she only wanted to cheer for daddy's team. I am a big Georgia fan, but that shouldn't have bothered me as much as it did.

At dinner she was told that she had to sit up in her chair (from a reclined position with her head hanging off one side) and eat her food. She retorted that I had to make a better dinner. I know my culinary skills are not something to be coveted, but I do spend time and put effort into making meals for our family that I hope they will enjoy and that will be good for them.

Seriously, that was all it took to ruffle my feathers. What is wrong with me?! Writing it all down has put it into its proper perspective - none of this really should have bothered me. Hopefully I can think of this post an laugh the next time she says something like this that strikes me the wrong way. I wonder if it is a mother/daughter thing or if I will be as offended by things Jack says some day...