Heavy Heart

Today I carry a heavy heart. My grandfather has been ill for a couple of months. He was diagnosed with brain cancer (stage 4, inoperable), but had been doing well throughout his course of radiation. He did the treatments on an outpatient basis, going home to the farm on the weekends and staying with my uncle during the week. James, the kids, and I went to visit a couple of weeks ago. We had a great visit and I think he enjoyed meeting Jack and spending time with us all.

Well, late last night he fell and suffered a stroke. We don't know in what order those two events occurred. The ambulance took him to the local hospital where they did a CT scan and discovered bleeding on the brain. They don't know if that is from the radiation or the events of last night. He was taken by ambulance several hours to the university hospital where he had been undergoing treatment from the beginning. My grandmother (and their dog Chuy) followed this morning.

I don't know what this means for his immediate future. My mom said he is lucid and talking. I guess I am just scared. Papa has been the man in my life as long as I can remember. Even before my dad died, Papa was the man I had most interaction with. Papa danced the traditional father/daughter dance with me at my wedding. He has always seemed invincible, larger than life. A lot of that has to do with his personality, but also his vitality. He is in his 80's and only really went gray in the last decade or so and even then not completely. He has always been a hard working, loud, often grumpy, sometimes very tender man. On some level I think I believed he would always be around.

For now, we just wait. It is OK to be sad. God has a plan, and it is not up to us to guess what He has in store or predict/argue with His timing. He will heal my wounds and even now He is holding Papa close. I can only pray that Papa feels his heavenly father close and it gives him comfort.

Silly, I know, but it is how I feel right now.

I feel silly even writing this - Katherine hurt my feelings. I know I should not look to my preschooler for validation. In fact, I don't look to her for validation - I am blessed to know that God provides it free of charge.

Unfortunately, days like today just put me on edge emotionally. Nothing major, she is really a sweet kid. Just enough, unprovoked, intentional slight to make me take notice. The day began with her acting rudely to my brother who was in town for less than 24 hours and who absolutely adores her. Not only was I embarrassed by her actions, but I was offended for him (crazy, huh).

On the way to drop her off at school, she angrily informed me that she was going to tell her teacher what I had done that morning (I made a photocopy of one of her pieces of artwork, gasp, how could I?). She felt the need to tattle on me to her teacher - great.

On the way home from school, unprompted by anything I could discern she announced that she didn't want to cheer for my football team, she didn't like my football team, she only wanted to cheer for daddy's team. I am a big Georgia fan, but that shouldn't have bothered me as much as it did.

At dinner she was told that she had to sit up in her chair (from a reclined position with her head hanging off one side) and eat her food. She retorted that I had to make a better dinner. I know my culinary skills are not something to be coveted, but I do spend time and put effort into making meals for our family that I hope they will enjoy and that will be good for them.

Seriously, that was all it took to ruffle my feathers. What is wrong with me?! Writing it all down has put it into its proper perspective - none of this really should have bothered me. Hopefully I can think of this post an laugh the next time she says something like this that strikes me the wrong way. I wonder if it is a mother/daughter thing or if I will be as offended by things Jack says some day...