Guilty

I feel like the last couple of weeks have been spent in complete limbo. I am now 38 weeks pregnant. I have passed the point at which Katherine was born (37 weeks 2 days), but not yet reached the point at which Jack was born (38 weeks 4 days). I feel huge although I know it could be worse. I am tired, uncomfortable, grumpy, and emotional. I am accomplishing less and less around the house as a result of how I feel and relying more and more on James to pick up the slack. All of this makes me feel guilty and selfish. I can't imagine feeling this way and having to get the family ready and go to a full-time job outside the home every day. I can't imagine doing this without the support of my husband (I get even more emotional thinking of the women whose husbands are overseas serving our military while they are at home doing this somewhat alone). I can't even remotely imagine how women work on farms or in other jobs involving intense physical labor.

I feel like I should be able to do it all, but all I want to do is take a nap or a shower or hide from the world and do nothing. I wish I had more patience and stamina to get on the floor and play or do activities with the kids. I wish I had the brain power and physical ability to keep on top of household things like cleaning, cooking, laundry, etc. I wish I had the emotional reserve to support my husband completely in his interests and activities. I wish I had the focus to be the kind of friend I want to be. Right now I just don't. I can only pray that God and the people who are important to me find it in themselves to extend grace in the face of my inadequacies and love be in spite of the burdens I place upon them.

To my children: I am sorry for my short fuse, less hands-on playtime, and so much tv time (although I don't think you guys would complain about that). To my wonderful husband: thank you for adjusting your expectations of me and picking up the slack where you can. To my family and friends: thank you for not judging my less than clean house, my poor communication, or my MIA status. Most of all, God - thank you for loving me no matter what and making the ultimate sacrifice for us all so that we are forgiven.

I should be sleeping...

...but instead I am eating sunflower seed cookies (yummy) and playing on my new phone.

I have been such an insomniac during this pregnancy so far, it is driving me crazy. I have to pee three or more times a night,  I wake up starving in the middle of the night, I get really thirsty (which does nothing to help with the potty trips), and my mind just will not slow down.

Unfortunately I NEED lots of sleep normally and even more while my body is working hard to grow a human being. All of this adds up to a tired and grumpy mommy/wife.

I would like to say this situation has given me an opportunity for introspection and self evaluation. However I have just developed an increasing addiction to audiobooks and apparently for my phone.

Ah well, this too shall pass and once the baby comes I will be praying for a few quiet moments to myself...and more sleep of course.